Snippets Of Our Love

 CHAPTER 1

Sometimes, we love someone so dearly that we end up loving them for eternity, even if that eternity is misconstrued as loving someone in each of our lifetimes. I always assumed love like that happens only in books and cinema. Perhaps I stand wrong. I would’ve not known how that love feels like if I hadn’t ever met him. Known him. Or been with him. But, life isn’t conceited, it isn’t predictable. If I had known the intensity of emotions this love thing can be, maybe my past self would’ve never indulged in it. But knowing what I know now, it is hard to imagine my life without loving someone the way I did, the way I do, today. In a way that if loving someone would be equaled to breathing oxygen I would be alive forever. But somehow, sometimes, some things are only meant to be remembered in memory, sometimes living something can mess things up, and sometimes; re living is the only option left. Sometimes, even if reliving those moments are known to be the only source of a past door, a past box, and sometimes that box ends up being the Pandora’s Box, with every ugly and disaster outside but hope. The only good thing lying beneath it all shut. And hope is such a strong disastrously beautiful word ever. And perhaps, hope has been the only thing keeping me alive today. The hope of the return of my dearest or hope that I never think of my dearest. 

Today I am stuck between moving forward and reliving the memories of my past. Out of both, only my past has been able to comfort me. Since it is predictable. But I am young and don't know what the future holds in store for me. Perhaps an eternity of happiness or despair. It’s uncertain, for the past 2 years I have found comfort in my past since it’s the only predictable and certain thing. Has it been breaking my heart over a hundred million times, every single time I’ve thought about it? Yes. It has been a weird contrast between the past present and future today. Every time I decide to move forward and catch a glimpse of my future, my past intrudes on my present knocking on my door and reminding me how it is still there. How it has always been there. How it can give me warmth and comfort and how heartbreaking yet predictable it is. For the past 2 years, every time I take one step forward, I take 4 steps backward too. 

It is depressing really, but maybe that is what love is. Love has never been equipped and famous for giving comfort and a safety net, it’s been uncertain and nerve-wracking. It has been lessons and lessons and lessons, and maybe the bridge I’ve built to move forward is way too weak with the intensity my past has made me feel. My past is heavy, and this bridge does not have the very strength to allow me to take it forward with me. But this past that I have on my back, I can’t seem to unload it, on the ground. I haven’t been able to dig 6 feet and bury it in the ground, say my piece, and move forward. 

What is so witty and beautiful about this love is, even though the source of it decided to leave, it stayed. It stayed comforting me, telling me that one last thing is yet inside Pandora’s box, keeping me company and comforting me on the days when I felt like dying. 

It’s not that I had been pining over my beloved since he left. I have reminisced about him but also, I’ve been indulging myself in various adventures as well. Going on dates, meeting new people, being open to new experiences per se. But apparently, that has not been enough to keep me busy. He somehow has found ways to interrupt my subconscious, and it has not been an easy road as well. Like I said, every time I touch the slightest glimpse of my future, he grasps hold of my entire existence. 

So now my days are more indulged in drinking wine, sitting on the couch watching some comedy series, going to my 9 to 5 job; working while almost on the verge of an emotional breakdown, with the sufferance of a loss, a cosmic loss. Staying empty stomach till it starts to ache because only that can somehow make me feel alive. Doing all the mundane activities, while listening to all those songs, which we used to sing together at the top of our lungs. It’s been easy. It’s been alright. At least I’m alive. And sometimes happy too. It’s just a cosmic loss of my dearest not that he has somehow died, right? Hence, hope. 

I sometimes wonder and more so hope, that he remembers me, by the littlest of the things. Like being there for him, and being distant, and hot and cold, and all the backlashes, all the happy moments or the sad ones. Moments where there have either been all good or all bad, and no in between, moments where I stayed up all night waiting for that one text the whole day, that he said he’d send. 

Because I do, I remember everything from the beginning till the end. And somehow, this end doesn’t feel like an end. Last night I couldn’t sleep because of how fast my heart was beating, it felt like I would have a heart attack, breathing exercises somehow weren’t helpful. 

It's all pain and shit until I remember how he made me feel. How he made me feel that I am the most beautiful person ever, with the biggest heart, until I remember how I had him. How he is the only one now who has ever had every inch of me. And no, not just the body, but my heart and soul and mind and every little bit of everything that I am made up of. Love, darkness, sweetness, the mean side, the pretty one, the crying mess, the indecisive, the bossy, the submissive. He accepted me through all of that. And somehow that is the only thing that matters at most. Because in the end however bad that person was to us, we only end up remembering the good parts of it, that is the only reason people usually go back and yet back again in an abusive relationship or a toxic one, because yes it did cause pain but there were times when the moments were happiest than ever. His love was like that. Slow, sweet, rushed, painful, sour, ugly, and beautiful.

He made me feel something I have only seen in movies. Unrequited love, sounds like a fairytale. I am living that fairytale. However far I run, I always run back to him. And he shelters me. I could never figure out if he was the nicest human since he always took care of me or the worst ever for he broke my heart into a million pieces. It’s probably going to be up in the air, just like it is always going to be up in the air if he’s ever gonna come back. It’s unlikely though, but sometimes my intuition shouts at me so loudly that it feels like he just might come back. It’s like a movie after all. Both of us being the main character of this masterpiece. A cinematic masterpiece!

~~~~~~

© Arya Ruth

CHAPTER - 2

I decided to give dating another shot. Even though I am scared that it will rip my heart badly and I would never be able to possibly love anyone, I think I will give it a try. Because what if, I end up meeting someone better than him. I’ve been in this dating arena from quite few months now, 5 months I suppose, no luck so far.

I did met a guy who made me feel the 1% of what Noah made me feel like, but obviously my over thinking ruined it, he couldn’t take my over thinking or sadness or any ugly parts of me. And I am not here for only the good time. He was though; he was only here for the good time. And that is the one thing that disqualifies him. Yeah, at this point it’s more like a game for me than the actual feeling. Finding an accurate match is tough; imagine how hard it would be to find the perfect one. And yeah, I know perfectionism is a myth, but is it though? Maybe somewhere when we aren’t searching or looking for it, a perfect love lies there only, hidden, waiting to reveal itself at the right time. Sometimes I feel like I am an outsider and this whole thing is a façade, that maybe my dearest is just pranking me; gen z pranks do be weird sometimes. And who knew that it is just life, a weird yet simple aspect of it all. Could be worse tough, it could be that I could be with the wrong person. But now that I have decided to finally move on from my beloved, I hope it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, I think that it is true love. Like however far we run from the other, we always find our way back home, home being each other. 

You know what my ideal relationship looks like, meeting someone almost similar but completely opposite to one another, creating infatuation and then god forbid, having obsession, oh the obsession, then being comfortable and the moment you decide to be comfortable, the other one leaves, leaving the other so deeply hurt that they cannot even love anyone anymore but just them, and then having no contact, going on and about with each other’s lives, potentially dating other people and then somehow, the one who hurt the other, gets hurt realizes how badly they messed up, and the one who was hurt, starts to move on and the moment that happens, the hurter comes back around telling the hurtee they fucked up and then obviously working to gain that trust back again and then voila, back together, for the rest of the lifetime, having love so strong that only death can do them part now. 

But coming back to te originality of the situation. It was summer and I was so focused on achieving my goals that I could see nothing but my goal, my last exam for that semester just ended and I was home. But it started getting a little boring; nobody likes static in their lives, so I made an account for a dating website. It was June back then and my grandparent’s 50th anniversary. While I was on the website I matched with over 50 to 60 guys but I saw potential only in the first one, James. He was kind and sweet and in my head I was counting the points for if he reached 20 points, I would feel okay having sex with him. Or just kissing, depending on where the situation would lead us to. But I was still very much in love with Noah, and however charming James could be, Noah, still stayed at the back of my head. I was doing okay though. Tryna push James away as far as I can, and he chasing me even harder. It felt nice. 

For over a month me and James, stayed talking over texting only. I would tell him how my day went he would tell me how his day went. And I would tell Elijah, my best friend how things were every single day. James did that, James did this, Oh my god, James said this, I like him I think. 

The whole of June was almost like how I wanted it to be. Almost like how I wanted my entire life to be. Guys chasing me, and me not giving one flying fuck about it. Hoe phase or bitch phase? You decide. James was 2 years older than me, born in 1999 and super fucking hot. He was hotter than Noah. But somehow I was still scared to give all of me to him. We started talking on the basis that none of us was looking for anything serious to settle down anytime soon, and was only here for the good time, until he said something that made me think that maybe I do want love. 

“Violet, I want to talk to you about something.” He said

“Um, okay. What’s up?” I asked

“I think I want more than just sex.”

“James, what do you mean?” I asked with confusion

“I want love, and I want to give it a try.”

“Wait, you mean you want to give it a try with me?” 

“Yes.” He said

That yes, was so affirmative that some of the rocks that I put up to build a wall around me, fell down. And I grew more scared. I have never been so scared my entire life. In that moment it felt like I had some purpose in life. And I was willing to risk it all just because of that one ‘yes’. Would that be yes to everything? Breaking me. Damaging me. Or building me. I was scared to the bone and the flesh. Like my entire life just flashed right in front of my eyes. Love has burnt me a million zillion times and I never ever wanted to go through that pain ever again in my life. 

My mind started calculating, and though I am super weak in math, something’s were still not adding up. Why would he want me? Right because he still doesn’t know me, does he? And for the first time in these 2 years I wanted to introduce myself to someone from the beginning. And messing it up, was not even in the menu. It was weird because maybe he said it casually, but it felt real to me. And, I was willing to risk it all. I was willing to risk everything that I had built for myself over these 2 years. I was okay with throwing it away. I did wanted to fall free, but the only difference here was that because of my fear, I did have a safety net beneath it. After that ‘yes’ I froze for like 10 seconds, thinking every way possible to push this away. A war started inside me, to love or to not. It was a battle and in my head, whatever won, whoever won that battle, I was somehow going to lose it. Deciding to love was scary because now it’s not just me in the equation there was a second person and deciding not to love, was lonely, because there was no body in the equation but just me. Heart and mind, funny they can be the best of friends and yet the biggest enemy. Those 10 seconds must have been a lifetime. It just felt like I was born again but this time around I knew my past life and I was so scared not to repeat the mistakes I did in that lifetime. Was this love? Or fear?

                                                                   ~~~~~~

© Arya Ruth

 CHAPTER - 3

“Violet?” he texted

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I am sorry.”

Offend? This man has absolutely threatened my mind. Not his fault though. I don’t think I love me enough to throw my heart through any brick wall and be confident that I’ll get myself back. But I have to reply something. Something that works in my favour. 

“Oh no, no way you can offend me.” I replied

“It’s just that you don’t even know me yet and you’re okay with taking the next step forward with me. It’s just weird.”

“Who said I don’t know you? I know you enough to know that if there’s anyone I would want to try this with, it’s you.” He texted

“But James, there are so many and so many things that you don’t know about me. And I am scared that what if in the near future you do get to know them, you would leave.”

“How bad can it be Violet? Also, I like you and I really want to go to the next step. With you. And whatever it is that you’re scared of, I promise I’ll make it alright.”

Dammit, he is promising things now. Now I am more suspicious.

Suspicious, because in my dictionary, promises are meant to be broken. It is the universal law. That is why I never promise anything, at all. I wish people knew this phenomenon. But now that he is so determined to be with me, I don’t think I have anything else other than to push him away. And I know exactly how to do that. He has reached 19 points though. He is close. He is breaking my guard down and it’s scary but it feels nice. It feels nice to feel something other than numbness, like being alive. But I have to stay focused; I cannot let him break my guard down.

“James, I want to open up to you. I just cannot.”

“Why not Violet?”

“Because, i have a lot of baggage and i do not think you would be willing to take that burden.”

“Relationships bring the worst out of me” I said

“They make me insecure and jealous and all the bad things of this world.”

“Well, then i’ll be standing here willing to take that burden”

“NO, you do not understand, i have a lot on my plate-”

“Then let me help you carry that plate Violet.” He said.

Wait what? Is there a possibility that somehow i can end up in an adult mature relationship!? I am so confused. Why on earth this man would want me. Unless, unless he has solid ulterior motives behind it. 

But its safe to say that i was wrong, at least for the moment. After breaking up with noah, my outlook on relationships changed. I started to look at everyone with the eye of suspicioun and good lord if these trust issues aren’t to the supreme. I am scared yes i am, and that wold explain the safety net beneath me. I do wanna fall, i do wanna feel loved again, give love again but, its just been difficult, its just been unbreathable. 

Heres a thing about being single, you love it and you hate it at the same time. You love what it brings to you, your freedom, your do whatever attitude, your not accountable to anyone, but you also hate it. The lonely nights, seeing all these couples all around you, looking at new people with the eye of “potential prospects”. But oh if you settle for the potential, it’ll be a disaster. And the worst part of it all is that even though you look everyone from the eye of potential, you get bored easily, your attention time span has been reduced you just cannot keep eye on one, and now you want to try every flavour there is to taste. You’re basically a hoe.

Its just so funny, all of it. 

So me and james, pretty much were on the path to be the ‘it couple’. And yeah, i was digging for it. You see, i’ve never been single since the time i turned 16. And now i am 21 and haven’t dated since i turned 19. It gets a little fucked up in the head its just that. But i am young, i am way too young to think that i’ll die single, nah it wont be that way. 

Anyway, we kept on talking, me and James, and i started to like him, romantically, it was june and he asked me to meet but, i couldn’t that month, i was’nt in the country and the next month when i was gonna come back i had my 7th semester of law school in Boston. And this might be the right time to mention that i am a law student. 

But that’s one thing about me, when i like someone even the tiniest bit i give my all, even if that means i’ll have to travel one country to the other just to meet that person. And though our countries were same, our states weren’t. And therefore, i decided to meet him. That is, travel from one state to the other just to see this man with whom i’ve never ever met before, he could be a serial killer, or worse, a catfish. I was scared, like one should be, it was almost like a blind date. And though i was scared, i was excited on the same or even bigger scale. 

The excitement and anxiety to meet him, made me forget about everything else in this entire world. Like none of it mattered, but only him. Even though our destination was a relationship, i was scared that he won’t go that far with me. The entire way on my journey i kept anticipating how worse things can get. How everything can fall apart, in splits of seconds. Minutes and seconds are a bitch, in 1 minute someone could die, the other minute someone could be born as well. Timing perhaps is a bitch after all. I’ve always wondered how timing was a bitch when it came to Noah and me. Right person, wrong time. Perhaps, what they say about it is true. 

But all that aside, i am here in this train on my way to hopefully my next love interest. Obviously nervous and cannot even think about one thing straight. Music is blasting in my ears and for some reason, it always sooths to calm me down, but not today dear lord, not today. I am anxious and my heart cant seem to beat any faster. Its like if it did, i will burst like a bubble of flesh with blood everywhere and that would be so horrific to see to witness, that even my soul which would leave my body, would puke. A sheer puke of disgust, disgust for who i am, and for what I’m about to do. 

I mean i’m only going on a date, it’s not that bad, but then why do i feel guilty? Not that i have a boyfriend anymore but every single time, i try to go out with some guy, Noah’s face and existence comes to my mind and then it doesn’t leave. It stays till the end of the time, till the time i’m ready to give up and dwell into the sadness of losing my beloved. 

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, all this pinning over. It makes me lose my mind. All of it makes me wonder whether Noah feels anything like this. Feeling guilty with me on his mind every time he goes out with someone. But i know he doesn’t. He has already moved on, has a girlfriend, as far as i am told, so it’s obvious it’s over for him. 

See. This is what i told you, my forever urge to keep bringing him up. I am in the middle of my way to hopefully and potentially my next love interest and i am still thinking about the past one. But i know it gets easier, it has to get easier, because what other option would i be left with otherwise. 

So here i am on this train, still going and why does this journey feels like that of a lifetime. I’ve never been on a train this long. After a 2 hour train journey which felt like an entire lifetime, here i am, on this station getting off, moments away to know if he is a serial killer or an old man. 

                                                                   ~~~~~~

© Arya Ruth

CHAPTER - 4

I get off the train and my eyes look for his face. He calls me!

“Hello?”

“Violet?”

“James, is it you?”

“Duh, obviously.”

“Oh hi”

“Where are you?”

“Oh, I am at this gate, hold on lemme see which one.”

“Okay”

“Yeah it’s gate number 4”

“Oh okay, wait right there. I’ll come get you.”

“Alright.”

I waited for not more than 5 minutes, when I spotted him. A tough exterior to look at. He, doesn’t look like his pictures, but even better. He is pretty and that walk, oh dear. If only this man was wholly mine. No questions asked. 

The moment he looked at me, i noticed how his eyes hovered over my head and my face, and then in an instant his lips, the luscious one kind, drew in a beautiful smile. At that moment, the moment our eyes met, i knew i not just wanted him, but needed him, more than I’d ever need this oxygen to breathe in. Oh and his eyes, not the kind to die in though, but definitely the kind to picture you naked even when you’re fully clothed. Yes, exactly those kind. 

He comes close to me and greets me with a hello, and I just stand there wondering how I can love every single bit of this man’s existence. His eyes and his smile were sufficient for me that now his voice has been added to the list of things I love about James. 

Now all i see is this gorgeous man walking beside me, talking about how excited he was to see me. And how he knows this really amazing cafe that he is taking me to. I cant help but wonder his behaviour once we’re together, I know I shouldn’t but I cant help. He is so dreamy i just cant help it, but dream about the time when he’ll end up mine. 

He’s been chattering non stop and i’ve been walking beside him to his car looking at my foot and thinking what all things will i talk to him about.

“So that is how you beat the butter.” He says

“Right. You’re extremely right she shouldn’t have done that.” I said 

He stopped walking.

“You’re not listening, are you?” he says mocking me

“Oh no, I am” i laugh

“Are you sure because i clearly wasn’t telling a story about a woman who did me wrong.”

“Oh, well i wasn’t listening.” I said.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and says 

“Violet, the only wrong anyone is doing to me is you.”

“What why, what did i do wrong?”

“You’re not listening to me babe.”

I flushed.

“Ohkay try me one more time, I’ll listen.”

“Nah, I’ll just pretend to be angry at you and give you a chance to make it up to me.”

“Why would I do that?” I say laughing 

“Because I like it when you give me attention, now shush, I am mad at you.”

Was he flirting with me? I think i can get used to this. I think i can get used to James.

When we reached to his car, he held the door open for me and that even though that is enough to sweep me off my feet, i won’t give in easy, I am not easy after all, and this level in his life is difficult to the extreme. I wanna test his limits; know how far I can stretch things before giving my all. That’s being safe, right? Or am I being guarded, whatever the answer to this question is, i’ll leave it for my future self to figure it out. I sat inside his car, a Tesla, he put on some music and as it turned out our playlists had so many similar music in it. He asks me personal questions like how many guys i have dated, what is my body count, too personal i’d say. But it’s only fair, since first dates are all about getting to know one another. Maybe this is that. So i answered all his questions honestly and asked him about the number of girlfriends he has had.

“One.” He said

“Are you serious?”

“yep.”

“Damn, how long ago was it?”

“Around 4-5 years ago.”

“Oh, that is a long ass time to be single.” I said

“sounds right about it.”

“Why did you never dated anybody else other than that one person? Didn’t had any option?”

He laughs and says, “Oh no, had millions of those options, just didn’t find the right person to fill the job description.”

“did you love her?” I asked

The car grew silent and i was thinking how to come back from it when he spoke.

“yes.”

Which makes me wonder what made him to end things with her.

“why did you broke up with her then?”

“I stopped loving her.”

Okay, list of things i don’t love about james. This. He stopped loving her? What if we get together someday will he stop loving me too? How can someone stop loving someone? Isn’t love all about eternity and bullshit, have i been loving incorrectly?

All these questions consume me when he starts to look concerned. I don’t  really know how to react to his reaction. He looks at me then at the road, its a constant struggle. A constant concern in his eyes for me. I look at the road with the most horrified look on my face. 

“hey, I didn’t mean to strike a nerve or something there. I’m just being honest.” He said.

“Oh no, nothing like that. Just feeling a little car sick.” I lied.

The entire way to the cafe, we both kept quite. Listening to ‘circles’ by “Post Malone”.

                                                                  ~~~~~~

© Arya Ruth