Snippets of Our Love (Chapter 2)

CHAPTER - 2

I decided to give dating another shot. Even though I am scared that it will rip my heart badly and I would never be able to possibly love anyone, I think I will give it a try. Because what if, I end up meeting someone better than him. I’ve been in this dating arena from quite few months now, 5 months I suppose, no luck so far.

I did met a guy who made me feel the 1% of what Noah made me feel like, but obviously my over thinking ruined it, he couldn’t take my over thinking or sadness or any ugly parts of me. And I am not here for only the good time. He was though; he was only here for the good time. And that is the one thing that disqualifies him. Yeah, at this point it’s more like a game for me than the actual feeling. Finding an accurate match is tough; imagine how hard it would be to find the perfect one. And yeah, I know perfectionism is a myth, but is it though? Maybe somewhere when we aren’t searching or looking for it, a perfect love lies there only, hidden, waiting to reveal itself at the right time. Sometimes I feel like I am an outsider and this whole thing is a façade, that maybe my dearest is just pranking me; gen z pranks do be weird sometimes. And who knew that it is just life, a weird yet simple aspect of it all. Could be worse tough, it could be that I could be with the wrong person. But now that I have decided to finally move on from my beloved, I hope it is the right thing to do. Sometimes, I think that it is true love. Like however far we run from the other, we always find our way back home, home being each other. 

You know what my ideal relationship looks like, meeting someone almost similar but completely opposite to one another, creating infatuation and then god forbid, having obsession, oh the obsession, then being comfortable and the moment you decide to be comfortable, the other one leaves, leaving the other so deeply hurt that they cannot even love anyone anymore but just them, and then having no contact, going on and about with each other’s lives, potentially dating other people and then somehow, the one who hurt the other, gets hurt realizes how badly they messed up, and the one who was hurt, starts to move on and the moment that happens, the hurter comes back around telling the hurtee they fucked up and then obviously working to gain that trust back again and then voila, back together, for the rest of the lifetime, having love so strong that only death can do them part now. 

But coming back to te originality of the situation. It was summer and I was so focused on achieving my goals that I could see nothing but my goal, my last exam for that semester just ended and I was home. But it started getting a little boring; nobody likes static in their lives, so I made an account for a dating website. It was June back then and my grandparent’s 50th anniversary. While I was on the website I matched with over 50 to 60 guys but I saw potential only in the first one, James. He was kind and sweet and in my head I was counting the points for if he reached 20 points, I would feel okay having sex with him. Or just kissing, depending on where the situation would lead us to. But I was still very much in love with Noah, and however charming James could be, Noah, still stayed at the back of my head. I was doing okay though. Tryna push James away as far as I can, and he chasing me even harder. It felt nice. 

For over a month me and James, stayed talking over texting only. I would tell him how my day went he would tell me how his day went. And I would tell Elijah, my best friend how things were every single day. James did that, James did this, Oh my god, James said this, I like him I think. 

The whole of June was almost like how I wanted it to be. Almost like how I wanted my entire life to be. Guys chasing me, and me not giving one flying fuck about it. Hoe phase or bitch phase? You decide. James was 2 years older than me, born in 1999 and super fucking hot. He was hotter than Noah. But somehow I was still scared to give all of me to him. We started talking on the basis that none of us was looking for anything serious to settle down anytime soon, and was only here for the good time, until he said something that made me think that maybe I do want love. 

“Violet, I want to talk to you about something.” He said

“Um, okay. What’s up?” I asked

“I think I want more than just sex.”

“James, what do you mean?” I asked with confusion

“I want love, and I want to give it a try.”

“Wait, you mean you want to give it a try with me?” 

“Yes.” He said

That yes, was so affirmative that some of the rocks that I put up to build a wall around me, fell down. And I grew more scared. I have never been so scared my entire life. In that moment it felt like I had some purpose in life. And I was willing to risk it all just because of that one ‘yes’. Would that be yes to everything? Breaking me. Damaging me. Or building me. I was scared to the bone and the flesh. Like my entire life just flashed right in front of my eyes. Love has burnt me a million zillion times and I never ever wanted to go through that pain ever again in my life. 

My mind started calculating, and though I am super weak in math, something’s were still not adding up. Why would he want me? Right because he still doesn’t know me, does he? And for the first time in these 2 years I wanted to introduce myself to someone from the beginning. And messing it up, was not even in the menu. It was weird because maybe he said it casually, but it felt real to me. And, I was willing to risk it all. I was willing to risk everything that I had built for myself over these 2 years. I was okay with throwing it away. I did wanted to fall free, but the only difference here was that because of my fear, I did have a safety net beneath it. After that ‘yes’ I froze for like 10 seconds, thinking every way possible to push this away. A war started inside me, to love or to not. It was a battle and in my head, whatever won, whoever won that battle, I was somehow going to lose it. Deciding to love was scary because now it’s not just me in the equation there was a second person and deciding not to love, was lonely, because there was no body in the equation but just me. Heart and mind, funny they can be the best of friends and yet the biggest enemy. Those 10 seconds must have been a lifetime. It just felt like I was born again but this time around I knew my past life and I was so scared not to repeat the mistakes I did in that lifetime. Was this love? Or fear?

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© Arya Ruth