Snippets of Our Love (Chapter 3)

 CHAPTER - 3

“Violet?” he texted

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I am sorry.”

Offend? This man has absolutely threatened my mind. Not his fault though. I don’t think I love me enough to throw my heart through any brick wall and be confident that I’ll get myself back. But I have to reply something. Something that works in my favour. 

“Oh no, no way you can offend me.” I replied

“It’s just that you don’t even know me yet and you’re okay with taking the next step forward with me. It’s just weird.”

“Who said I don’t know you? I know you enough to know that if there’s anyone I would want to try this with, it’s you.” He texted

“But James, there are so many and so many things that you don’t know about me. And I am scared that what if in the near future you do get to know them, you would leave.”

“How bad can it be Violet? Also, I like you and I really want to go to the next step. With you. And whatever it is that you’re scared of, I promise I’ll make it alright.”

Dammit, he is promising things now. Now I am more suspicious.

Suspicious, because in my dictionary, promises are meant to be broken. It is the universal law. That is why I never promise anything, at all. I wish people knew this phenomenon. But now that he is so determined to be with me, I don’t think I have anything else other than to push him away. And I know exactly how to do that. He has reached 19 points though. He is close. He is breaking my guard down and it’s scary but it feels nice. It feels nice to feel something other than numbness, like being alive. But I have to stay focused; I cannot let him break my guard down.

“James, I want to open up to you. I just cannot.”

“Why not Violet?”

“Because, i have a lot of baggage and i do not think you would be willing to take that burden.”

“Relationships bring the worst out of me” I said

“They make me insecure and jealous and all the bad things of this world.”

“Well, then i’ll be standing here willing to take that burden”

“NO, you do not understand, i have a lot on my plate-”

“Then let me help you carry that plate Violet.” He said.

Wait what? Is there a possibility that somehow i can end up in an adult mature relationship!? I am so confused. Why on earth this man would want me. Unless, unless he has solid ulterior motives behind it. 

But its safe to say that i was wrong, at least for the moment. After breaking up with noah, my outlook on relationships changed. I started to look at everyone with the eye of suspicioun and good lord if these trust issues aren’t to the supreme. I am scared yes i am, and that wold explain the safety net beneath me. I do wanna fall, i do wanna feel loved again, give love again but, its just been difficult, its just been unbreathable. 

Heres a thing about being single, you love it and you hate it at the same time. You love what it brings to you, your freedom, your do whatever attitude, your not accountable to anyone, but you also hate it. The lonely nights, seeing all these couples all around you, looking at new people with the eye of “potential prospects”. But oh if you settle for the potential, it’ll be a disaster. And the worst part of it all is that even though you look everyone from the eye of potential, you get bored easily, your attention time span has been reduced you just cannot keep eye on one, and now you want to try every flavour there is to taste. You’re basically a hoe.

Its just so funny, all of it. 

So me and james, pretty much were on the path to be the ‘it couple’. And yeah, i was digging for it. You see, i’ve never been single since the time i turned 16. And now i am 21 and haven’t dated since i turned 19. It gets a little fucked up in the head its just that. But i am young, i am way too young to think that i’ll die single, nah it wont be that way. 

Anyway, we kept on talking, me and James, and i started to like him, romantically, it was june and he asked me to meet but, i couldn’t that month, i was’nt in the country and the next month when i was gonna come back i had my 7th semester of law school in Boston. And this might be the right time to mention that i am a law student. 

But that’s one thing about me, when i like someone even the tiniest bit i give my all, even if that means i’ll have to travel one country to the other just to meet that person. And though our countries were same, our states weren’t. And therefore, i decided to meet him. That is, travel from one state to the other just to see this man with whom i’ve never ever met before, he could be a serial killer, or worse, a catfish. I was scared, like one should be, it was almost like a blind date. And though i was scared, i was excited on the same or even bigger scale. 

The excitement and anxiety to meet him, made me forget about everything else in this entire world. Like none of it mattered, but only him. Even though our destination was a relationship, i was scared that he won’t go that far with me. The entire way on my journey i kept anticipating how worse things can get. How everything can fall apart, in splits of seconds. Minutes and seconds are a bitch, in 1 minute someone could die, the other minute someone could be born as well. Timing perhaps is a bitch after all. I’ve always wondered how timing was a bitch when it came to Noah and me. Right person, wrong time. Perhaps, what they say about it is true. 

But all that aside, i am here in this train on my way to hopefully my next love interest. Obviously nervous and cannot even think about one thing straight. Music is blasting in my ears and for some reason, it always sooths to calm me down, but not today dear lord, not today. I am anxious and my heart cant seem to beat any faster. Its like if it did, i will burst like a bubble of flesh with blood everywhere and that would be so horrific to see to witness, that even my soul which would leave my body, would puke. A sheer puke of disgust, disgust for who i am, and for what I’m about to do. 

I mean i’m only going on a date, it’s not that bad, but then why do i feel guilty? Not that i have a boyfriend anymore but every single time, i try to go out with some guy, Noah’s face and existence comes to my mind and then it doesn’t leave. It stays till the end of the time, till the time i’m ready to give up and dwell into the sadness of losing my beloved. 

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, all this pinning over. It makes me lose my mind. All of it makes me wonder whether Noah feels anything like this. Feeling guilty with me on his mind every time he goes out with someone. But i know he doesn’t. He has already moved on, has a girlfriend, as far as i am told, so it’s obvious it’s over for him. 

See. This is what i told you, my forever urge to keep bringing him up. I am in the middle of my way to hopefully and potentially my next love interest and i am still thinking about the past one. But i know it gets easier, it has to get easier, because what other option would i be left with otherwise. 

So here i am on this train, still going and why does this journey feels like that of a lifetime. I’ve never been on a train this long. After a 2 hour train journey which felt like an entire lifetime, here i am, on this station getting off, moments away to know if he is a serial killer or an old man. 

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© Arya Ruth